Shaking the dust

Thoughts about Life

"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet." 
Matthew 10:14

The other day, I did something that I am loathe to do, something that breaks my heart: I cut someone who is in a bad place out of my life. "Oh-em-GOSH, Leanne, how could you DO that!? Someone that's in a dark, desolate place has now been abandoned by you!?" 

Yes, they have, and it breaks my heart – but there's a problem. The problem isn't that I'm selfish or that I don't care or that I "just don't feel like putting up with their crap" anymore; it's that I can't stand by and watch them be so self-destructive, all the while accusing everyone around them of not being supportive and throwing down their logical reasons "proving" this neglect.

The problem with their logic is this: almost everyone around them is being supportive. Those people may not word it in the kindest way (in their defense, however, when a person continues to make the same – sometimes stupid – mistakes over and over and over and over and over, eventually people get fed up and stop sugar-coating the truth). And it's not that they don't see everyone supports them. It's that they don't want to hear that support. They only want support when it's in complete agreement with what they think and feel. If someone tells them – even in the most loving way – that the choice that they're making is not a good one, they automatically lash out. They overreact to everything that's said. They accuse that person of not being supportive, they accuse them of belittling and shaming them, and they refuse to listen.  They aren't asking themselves "Is this a story that I want to tell?" They want their friends and family to sympathize with their troubles, but to tell them that the path that they are on is the right one. 

Do you know who else is like that?

Children.

In particular, high-school children. You remember how it was – when you were a teenager and in high school, your parents were stupid. They couldn't possibly know anything about your life and how life works. They were nosy. They interfered. They set rules that were dumb. They didn't understand your life. The list goes on.

Except, they weren't really stupid, were they? They wanted to keep you from the mistakes that they made, or that they saw you about to make. As an adult, you don't have to have had made the same mistake yourself when you were younger; you're perfectly capable of seeing a pattern of behavior leading someone to a very bad decision. 

The problem with my friend is that they mistakenly thought their situation was unique. They did not understand that they are unique, but their situation is not. If you were to put them on a stage in front of a group of 100 randomly selected people and had them tell their basic story of their situation, I guarantee that a lot of hands – over half of them – would be raised when they were asked the question "Has anyone else in this room ever gone through this situation?" The details may vary; however, the circumstances, reactions, and situation wall be the same. 

Immaturity is not a mood, it is a stage of life – a stage out of which, unfortunately, some people never grow. 

My friend is a not a victim. They didn't have horrible parents or have a horrible childhood. They simply got lost, and when they were given directions, they didn't listen. I still love them dearly, with all my heart; but you can only give someone redirection so many times and have it ignored or disregarded as many times before you realize that this is the type of person that will not listen. They will not listen to experience, they prefer to create their own experience because they think their way is the right way.

The three main things to take away from this are:
1) Wisdom does not come from experience. Wisdom comes from learning how to prevent yourself from making the same mistake. There are a lot of people who continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over – they have the experience but not the wisdom, because they didn't learn.

2) You can gain wisdom from listening to the advice of the wise. A wise person is someone who has either gone through the same/a similar experience – OR – they haven't, they just see you heading towards the same mistake. You don't have to actually experience anything in order to learn. You can learn from other people's mistakes.

3) Everyone else knows better than you do. You do not. That may sound cruel, but consider this: when was the last time you were in an emotionally-charged situation and you were able to make a clear-headed decision? You weren't – not if the situation directly affected you. You can't see clearly like other people can. Other people see the patterns, other people see the behaviors, and we can sell ourselves on almost any bad idea EVER. 

Wrapping it up: if someone tells you that you're making bad decisions, maybe you should listen to that person, maybe not. However, if a lot of persons are telling you that you're making a bad decision and trying to show you how/why, then you absolutely should listen and take heed.

And if you are one of the people trying to help someone who continually makes bad choices over and over again and it breaks your heart to watch them suffer, then it is okay to let go. If you are not in a position to really help them – you're not a parent that can move them in with you to get them away from an abusive relationship; you're not a husband who can put his wife in rehab; you're not a wife that can take her husband to AA; if you're not a sibling that can go to immediate family for assistance – and there's nothing you can do, it's time to let go. The best way to look at it is this: if you are not directly responsible for that person because they are not your child, parent, or sibling, then it's okay. If you have done everything within reason to help and they won't change the destructive path they have chosen, it's okay to let go. Don't sell yourself on a bad idea – if they depend on you because you let them, you can stop. Whether it's a friendship or a romantic relationship, you have to understand that person is not your responsibility and that eventually, they will drag you down too. 

Love them, but let them go.